Realising the first

Long time ago on one routine day during a casual chitchat with colleagues my careless usage of “first time in my life” entangled me to a web . A series of many first(s) appeared before my eyes and then disappeared. Initially I was joyous about the so many first(s). I counted them. I was amused. I was feeling WOW!!! Then my heart asked me one question – “Suchitra – what is first?? Is life all about discovering first? What life would be without first? Honestly I failed to frame any answer which could appropriately explain the term first. I asked many people around me but............

I realised that its quite sometime now that too many things happened to me for the first time in my life and somehow I am letting them go unnoticed, unappreciated.

First time I realised I need to do something more than just let things as they are and decided to move out. First time I am dwindling between being content & being guilty. First time I earned the choice of not returning to my nest at day end. First time understood the value of money and its responsible management. First time I felt the bone crushing fatigue. First time I am jolted of the fact that some people were not as assessable as they were before. First time I discovered that when a night mare came true it became the most beautiful night of my life. First time I searched my heart and found its totally empty. First time I caught myself of becoming technology dependent. Living a life of Robinson Crusoe in an island without an internet connection. Missing online chats, missing virtual communication . Though I overlooked the privilege to call anyone at anytime(even late at night) without being hesitant, conscious or tactful. I can be me without excuses. First time I acted selfish and hurt someone badly, capable to make people cry hard, for long and foolish enough to think “LATER” ,“was all this really necessary?”

First time I bought quilts for the approaching winters & first time I used it absolutely unshared. Sometimes sharing is fun. Sometimes sharing is all what we want. First time the most awaited thing happened, I eloped.... well uh .... mmmm....almost eloped to Banaras with bunch of trustables. First time I realised that the desperate kid hidden inside me, who was waiting and wanting such a trip all these years has vanished and left behind a grown up, sober, contentfully smiling “FINALLY!!!!”

First time I was in a tiny city. It was smaller than I could imagine. The tender old world with 24 hrs chanting voices was contributing to a state of delusion. The narrow by lanes were interesting and intriguing. The streets were crowded & silence was an object long forgotten. The twilight was dreamlike, divine, ceremonial. First time I scolded a foreigner (thats what my friends say). First time I have seen people laughing hard & sobbing at the same time. First time I was out on streets at 10’o clock night with two boys for “dinner”. First time I travelled in Lichchavi Express and promised myself I would never ever try it again. First time I was crossing Connaught Place, slightly beyond mid night. The vivacious, the ever busy, dazzling, hustling and bustling ‘CP’ was not the same. It was in its slumber. (CP sleeps, now who would believe this?) That night I have seen new ways to be selfless, straight forward yet cool.

First time my organisation decided to celebrate “APPRECIATION WEEKEND”, from Dec 29, 2009 to 2 Jan, 2010. All 2000 employees were encouraged to appreciate each other for something they ever liked about one another through “HAND MADE” heart shaped dil se cards. I made 210 & I was sure it was a god’s way of punishing me for my sins. Otherwise, ME who never ever even picked up a “Heart shaped” card was made to make 210 dillllll se cards.
Uff.... what a pain that was.

First time I celebrated the descending new year with my friends. The gathering was numbered. The celebration was simple and sweet. The next morning I felt definitely ready to start with the new beginning.

As 2010 rolled out the pelican birds of our gang flew away. All of us have got busy with our lives. Time stops for no one, so is routine. It asks no one about what they like. It just make everybody get involved into itself. Yet, after so many days sitting alone at my PG room I am reliving, enjoying & recelebrating those days. May be this is just a way to bluff routine, to thank god for triggering so many first(s) to me. Argues may prove that moments are repeatable, there would be more first(s) to come, yet undeniable is once there is a first, there would be no first again.

Reached the threshold where inking off this introspection is required, but don’t know how to wind up. The dictionary meaning of the word “FIRST” is – being before all others with respect to time order, rank, importance etc”, but looking back to the journey so far I don’t think I still know the exact words which can define “FIRST” my way. May be life is all about experiences, crib for bad, fragile treasure of the good ones. Running after something. Grabbing material / immaterial. Dreaming...dreaming of a morning with cold moist beneath our feet, a roaring sea, a molesting wind, an open heart and a mind with ajar windows to suck in all that is good, beautiful and never before.

Yet what is first??mmmm....To me first is about realising, first is surprise, first is the scorching heat, first is embalming, first is about hoping, first is inspiration to keep going. First is falling in love in the most trivial way.

Did you ever observe a burning earthen lamp

Did you ever observe a burning earthen lamp?
It has so much into it.
Its seriousness, its perseverance, the enlightenment,
yet the darkness beneath it.
Did you ever observe it?

It burns the same way but where it burns
makes the difference.
Did you ever observe it?

When it burns in a temple form dawn to dusk
It conveys an aura- An aura of dedication,
that one can simply feel the purity of devotion,
peace for the restless mind engaged in various
ambiguities of ambition.

Did you ever observe it?

When it burns on the side of the road,
It brightens our focus about-
How and where to move on.
Success and disappointments are inevitable,
Yet, someway we require to keep walking on.
For there are many milestones and experiences
to achieve on.

Did you ever observe it?

When it burns in front of a new widow,
It conveys a sudden loneliness, some broken dreams,
some desires which are not going to get fulfilled ever.
An abrupt end, an unwilling start....which is yet to begin.

Did you ever observe it?
When an earthen lamp burns it has so much into it.

The way I read news

papers……..

After 28 April, 29 June seems to be a long gap. In the meanwhile, I sometimes forgot about this diary or just like any other slave of habits, I ended up inking off my thoughts either on little pieces of papers, loose sheets or back of any and every register I could lay my hands on easily.

Today after reading one article in the newspaper I was thinking about it and the reason why I read newspaper, when suddenly this idea caught me to pen down my introspection about the same in my diary …THE GOLD DIARY….which now upgraded to a blog….my new fascination…

Generally when I read newspaper, I don’t read the first page of the main paper and when occasionally I do – the news are mostly non murderous, apolitical, more often they are immaterial. Some time back, it was about a finding that some baby got allergic reaction using Johnson & Johnson baby product and in researches it was found that company products are not baby products but adult products only in their mildest form.

Same way today I didn’t find any news on the first page except that one girl got neurotic disorder and became paralytic after facing criticism for her dance on some reality dance show on a Bangla channel.

The 2nd page of the newspaper was all smeared with Arushi murder case reports and its new findings, probabilities and possible courses of action. I tried to read it after brushing my eyes over the catchy subheading “THE MYSTERIOUS SMILE OF RAJKUMAR”, but I found myself skipping words to read fast, and then jumping lines and later paragraphs. This made me feel “let the soul rest in peace, I would read about this news when final conclusions would come up.”

There was another news about an 18 year old boy who looks like an 8 year old kid due to some hormonal disease and pleading for help for proper medication.

So far, none of the news made any impact on me. They failed to stay in my mind and I failed to stay stuck to them or to retrospect them or visualize anything. Thus, flapping of pages continued till I reached page 7. Here, a heading of probably font 24, style – NEW ROMAN appealed me as it says “CONFESSION OF A LIFT OPERATOR ….”

Well, the article was about a journalist who has fascination for elevators and after prior permission spends sometime as a lift operator and has spread his experience in today’s newspaper. The article has nothing fabulous in particular yet, I liked the line where the writer said, he liked lifts because as a child it helped him differentiating between vertical and horizontal. Further, the way he was randomly describing how people told him about their destination floors, about the noisy lift fan and specially his ending lines were funny, sarcastic and true.

While reading this literary piece I went to a motion-picture-mode where I have seen various men and women boarding the lift, their way of talking, carrying themselves, attitude, ways of dressing etc. And then someday me boarding a lift and giving a close look to the elevator operator who in return becomes surprised as why I am observing him! Or some day I might find an utter khadoos having airs of President of India who is obliging us by operating the lift and we should be head over heels grateful for that. Or…..God forbid…some real loafer grinning with his 32 all out as it’s the girl who paid attention to HIM or just a normal being giving pigeon looks as mentioned in the article.

Even some time back I have gone through a similar article about a private detective who was verifying character of a particular girl to be married soon, for her would be in laws. After reading this article too, I had vision of a chubby man following a pretty, unaware girl taking up smart tricks to dodge chances of getting caught and then the proud feeling of the amateur investigator on completion of his task at the end of the day!!!

But does this mean I like being on the rosy side of the life?? Life devoid of terrors, tortures, stress, comptetion brutalities??? Is it so preferable to me that I don’t let these things reach my imagination by avoiding on reading news that the world claims to big stories of the day. The stories from US, UK, Russia, Pakistan, Sri Lanka or the winning and losing tales of the sport world , saga of brutal inhumanity, coverage of how someone someway getting victimized for being unaware and unexpecting to the ugly face of fate.

I failed to reach any conclusion for sometimes I do read news involoving hard realities of life having all the shades of terror, torture, and brutality and they leave me sad and remorseful about what I have put myself into. Irregularly I go through editorials of Barkha Dutt, Vir Sanghvi, Karan Thappar over various current issues, sensitive legal cases and I read non issues too like a traveler's experience when he recently visited RAMGARH (set of sholay) the difference he has seen, the life there, the people there and the changes that Sholay brought with it and left back and how can I forget mentioning the interview of Prasoon Joshi/Paulo Cohemo I have recently gone through. These news are not big stories or important effecting our lives yet they impress me, enlight me, inspire me to wait for the newspaper in the morning and search.

Yet, now when I think or rather analyze my reading pattern, I find it useless because I grew up listening to people saying we should read news papers because they help us grow our general knowledge and knowledge about foreign affairs, latest trends, gizmos and accessories and people who can speak on the basis of these facts and figures are considered respectable for they are considered as intelligent and of course “Knowledgeable” . Honestly, I am none of these because ….. my news paper reading is not contributing me to grow in the worldly ways. I read what I find interesting, envisioning, different from routine issues, pleasurable.

Though such thoughts have grabbed me hard and stirring my thoughts but they fail to convince me when I give myself a closer look because though in one hand I find myself just like the frog of a dark well who lives in her own world and unaware of the world existing outside, yet on the other hand I feel acutely reluctant in pushing myself to enter the ‘other’ world by developing an artificial interest about it. Such an endeavor may catapult me to become more acceptable, more recognizable and might make my surviving easier. But just like a stubborn toddler I find enthralling solace in overlooking them.

And the reason is, after a hard week, be it political mud slinging or brutal victimization, such news leave a slight tinge of insecurity, doubt, fear and loss of trust about the present and future times. These news don’t rejuvenate me, rather malign my thought process in such a filthy and murky way which is more uncomfortable than enlightening or vision widening. Such news prove themselves incapable in improving human values. So, now without framing my part, I can say that I am a traveler with my own mind, who has taken her road and walking over them in her own way, with due in-assurance that any and every suggestion would very simply get accepted. No wonder there are times when I stoop, I run, I get hurt, I limp, I glide, and I grin. Just like the way many nameless wild flowers do.

The flowers which we see every now and then, we don’t water them, we don’t pluck them for our prayers, for wooing, for decorating our home and offices not even for mourning yet these flowers bud, bloom and wave at us when the wind blows and touches all of us, they whisper in our ears that “after all life is all about making choices” and I have made this choice for myself to be me in the most unpreached way and my way of newspaper reading is just a part of it…..